Note: Arebella's interpretation of Ares' version of the "rules" is based on the original, "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter", which is a book by W. Bruce Cameron.

Rule One:
If you disrespectfully strut into my Temple, slouch against a pillar, and nonchalantly announce "Hey! I'm here!" you'd better be delivering an offering to my altar, because you're sure not picking anything up, least of all, one of my daughters.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them with my very large and very sharp sword.

Rule Three:
I am aware that boys of your age consider themselves quite the studs and the coolest, baddest dudes in the known world. You think I won't know if you brag to your friends about nailing the Big Bad God of War's daughter so they'll think you're a big man. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. In fact, most of you mortals are complete idiots and are quite replaceable. Keep my opinion of your worth in mind if you are tempted to touch my daughter at any time or brag about nailing her to your pathetic mortal friends.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may strut around and pretend to be the coolest, baddest dude to your pathetic mortal friends as much as you like when you are outside my Temple. However, mention my daughter's name once in the same sentence with any sexual reference and the next thing you will be saying is "Is this Tartarus?"

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my Temple, and the only words I need from you on this subject are: "early and still a virgin."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my Throne Room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the event you are taking her to, you should not be dating a demi-goddess. Aphrodite is helping her put on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Parthenon. Instead of just standing there, trembling in fear before me, why don't you do something useful, like go kill a few followers of Eli for me. It's a chance for you to make brownie points with me, and if you invent some particularly gruesome torture that amuses me, I might let you live after your date with my daughter.

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than battle armor, or a veil covering everything but her eyes. Plays by mortals with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; plays which feature an angry God of War taking revenge at some mortal offense are okay. Festivals honoring the Goddess of Love and her dim-witted, flyboy son with the bow and love arrows are to be avoided at any cost. Festivals honoring the Virgin Goddesses of the Hearth and Battlefield are approved. Tours of battlefields and festivals involving human sacrifices are preferred forms of entertainment.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a reasonable, fair-minded, loving father to my children in their presence. But on issues relating to my daughters, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of War of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a sharp sword, several armies, and godly powers too awesome for you to imagine, along with an uncle in the Underworld who owes me favors. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to vaporize a mortal and less remorse for doing it than you have for swishing a bug. They don't call me Big and Bad for nothing. The Furies work for me and if your break any of my rules, their voices in your head will let you know that I am sharpening my sword as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. Do not even think of dropping my daughter off at the Temple gates and running for your life. There is nowhere you can hide from me and I will hunt you down. When you return from your date, you will respectfully escort my daughter into my Throne Room and stand before me awaiting judgment. I recommend that you empty your bladder and bowels prior to your return, as the servants complain about having to clean bodily fluids from the floor directly in front of my throne every time one of my daughters goes on a date. Fall on your knees before me and beg me to spare your miserable mortal life as I question my daughter for the details of your behavior. Once I have ascertained that she has returned in the same virginal state as she left, you may go. Go quickly before I change my mind. If I find it necessary to incinerate you on the spot, you may give my regards to Hades as he chains you to your rock in Tartarus.

Any questions?