The Good, the Bad and the Simply Manic

The last of the light from Helios's chariot was almost gone from the sky the following day when Hercules and Iolaus were nearing the crossroads outside Pamphylia.

Hercules came to a sudden halt, almost causing Iolaus to crash into him. Then they were both standing in an attitude of appalled listening.

In the near distance, they could hear what sounded like continuous screaming that just kept on going and going.

Iolaus paled. "Gods! He's torturing them!"

Hercules's normally mild face was furious. "If he's harmed them, he's going to seriously wish he hadn't," he gritted out, breaking into a run, with Iolaus not far behind him.

But as they got closer to the source of the appalling sounds, their steps slowed and they looked at each other incredulously. It now became apparent that the screaming was in fact singing. Extremely bad singing. Almost instantaneously, both Hercules and Iolaus realised just what the song was that the two Amazons were singing at the top of their voices. Two mouths opened in slack-jawed shock.

"I would never have guessed they'd have known that one," Iolaus mumbled, appalled.

Hercules just shook his head slowly in disbelief, resuming his steps in the direction of the excruciating sounds.

As they emerged from the forest and into the clearing, they were immediately aware of two things; the two Amazons sitting against a large tree, rope once again securing them, and the God of War sitting on the ground on the other side of the clearing, arms folded and eyes closed. The sight of him disconcerted both heroes, because in repose his face had taken on a most surprising and uncharacteristic appearance of innocence.

"Ares," Hercules greeted, doing his best to ignore the hideous caterwauling, but the God of War made no response.

Hercules frowned. "Ares?"

Nothing.

"ARES!"

Still nothing. The God of War apparently slept peacefully - and impossibly, in the face of the dreadful noise - on.

Impatiently, Hercules strode forward and carefully touched Ares on the shoulder. Dark eyes immediately opened.

"About time," the God of War grumbled, apparently oblivious to the sounds coming from the other side of the clearing.

The golden-haired demigod ignored the comment. "Why are they tied up, Ares?" He yelled, trying to be heard above the unending singing.

Ares narrowed his eyes. It was obvious he hadn't heard what his half-brother had said. Then realisation dawned on him, and he removed two pieces of material from his ears. And immediately winced. "Oh Zeus - they're still going," he sighed.

Iolaus was staring over at his two friends, dunbfounded. Both women were oblivious to the two new arrivals, happily lost in the bawdy words of the song they were singing so lustily. Over and over again.

Ares saw the looks on the faces of the two men. "They've been at it ever since just after the mid-day meal," he told them in resignation.

Hercules closed his eyes for a moment, almost feeling unfamiliar sympathy for the half-brother he disliked so intensely. When he opened them agan, he placed his hands on his hips. "Alright, so they may not be the world's best singers. Is that any reason to tie them up?" He asked.

Ares rose to his feet, grinning nastily at his brother. "No, not in itself...gagging them would seem more appropriate, don't you think?" He enquired blandly. "They're tied up because they have one-track minds, and the instant they're free they make off in search of more of my warriors, and this area happens to be swarming with a whole lot of them, returning north from that little war in Boeotia," he informed them with malicious cheerfulness.

Hercules held his hand up. "Alright, alright! I get the picture." He glanced over at the two Amazons; Kendaa, whom he had known since they were both in their teens, and Klio, who had become such a good friend too in the time he had known her. It pained him deeply to see them in their present state, and he found himself becoming as angry with Apollo as Ares was.

"You're right. The sooner we get them to Apollo's temple, the better. We should get an early start in the morning, so Iolaus, why don't you go snare us some dinner?" He asked the golden-haired hunter.

Iolaus nodded, only too happy to escape the ceaseless singing. "Sure thing, Herc," he said, heading off into the depths of the forest.

Later that night, after Hercules and Iolaus had finished off the remains of the rabbit that the hunter had caught, the three sat around the fire contemplating the Amazons, whose singing had dropped to a much lower cadence. They had exhausted themselves.

Suddenly, all three men around the fire, god and mortals, started in surprise.

"HERKIE!!!!!" Screamed Kendaa in delight, while her sister Amazon was struggling futily with her bonds. "Iolaus!" Bellowed Klio. It had only taken them over an hour to realise their friends had arrived, so engrossed had they been in their stirring renditions of just about every bawdy ballad known on the Greek mainland and every island in the Aegean.

Iolaus looked across to Hercules and silently mouthed "HERKIE?"

Hercules shrugged in return.

"Ladies," he smiled across at them both.

"Hey Klio, Kendaa," greeted Iolaus, uncertain.

"Oh boy!!! Are we going to have a party now?" Asked Klio hopefully.

Kendaa stared at her. "Don't be ridiculous. We're going to do FAR more than have a party - aren't we boys?" She grinned suggestively in the direction of all three males.

Ares made a gesture that only too clearly said "I told you so."

Hercules smiled politely. "Ah, no. No parties tonight. We're all going to have an early night so we can get started for Apollo's temple first thing in the morning," he told them carefully.

Klio and Kendaa were clearly disappointed. Klio signed sadly. "Oh. Ok," she mumbled.

Kendaa guggled though. "Oh... You guys... You just want to surprise us, don't you?" She asked with an insane, total lack of logic.

Hercules sighed. "Yeah, something like that."

They prepared to settle down for the night, with Ares teling the two heroes that he wanted to consult with Zeus again, about the possibility of punitive action against Apollo. He disappeared, wicked glee only too apparent on his face, and leaving them alone with the two insane Amazons before they had a chance to object.

Hercules settled down and quickly fell into a deep, exhausted sleep, after Iolaus volunteered to keep first watch.

Something was wrong. He knew it.

Hercules opened sleep-blurred blue eyes to see a pair of black leather boots standing inches from him. He looked up. His immortal half-brother was standing over him, arms folded, and wearing a furious expression.

"I might have known you couldn't handle them," he hissed.

Hercules sat up fast at that. "What do you mean?" Then something dawned on him - pushing the remains of sleepiness right away from him. "Iolaus...!"

Ares said nothing, merely pointing angrily to the other side of the clearing.

With a sick feeling of inevitability, Hercules spun.

Iolaus lay on the far side of the clearing, securely bound hand and foot and gagged, making muffled sounds, his eyes pleading.

Hercules sprinted for his friend, quickly freeing him from his bonds. Iolaus wasted no time in removing the gag from his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Herc," he said miserably. "I don't know how they did it, but the last thing I remember was someone whacking me over the head, and when I woke up I was tied up and they were gone - and their weapons with them.

Hercules groaned.

Ares, however, was staring at the object in Iolaus's hands - the material that had kept him silent for so many hours.

He stalked across the clearing and snatched it out of the hands of the hunter, his face incredulous.

He blinked in disbelief.

The object was, in fact, Kendaa's panties. he knew them well.

When he looked up, he was snarling in rage.

"KENDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" He roared, disappearing in a blaze of furious red light.

"He's really angry," observed Iolaus.

"Oh yeah," Hercules replied, resignation on his face.

The two heroes waited patiently for several hours. It was close to the middle of the day when Ares stalked back into the clearing, his face thunderous, dragging the two Amazons once more behind them.

He pushed them into the centre of the glade, and let go of them. He was breathing heavily with the effort to contain his rage. Hercules and Iolaus could only stare.

The God of War reached down and picked up Kendaa's discarded under garment.

Klio opened her mouth to say something, but was silenced by Ares' raised finger. "Not. One. Word," he snarled at her, moving towards the half-dryad.

Klio put a finger to her lips. "Ohhhhh. Daddy's angry!" She whispered to the two heroes, who stood silent and at a loss for words.

"Put. Them. On. NOW!" Ares told Kendaa implacably.

His favourite adopoted a negligent pose, one hand on her hip, the other absently twirling a strand of blonde hair around a finger. "Like, what is your problem, Aer'?" She asked in a thoroughly confused tone. "Any other time you can't get me out of them fast enough," she retorted, glaring at him.

Hercules blushed.

Iolaus tried hard not to giggle.

Something else suddenly occurred to the tall blonde. "And since when did you join the Olympian Moral Minority? Sheesh!"

Iolaus couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.

Ares swung around, his face murderous. "I do NOT recall asking for your input!" He hissed. Before Hercules could react, Ares' hand had swung back. He unleashed a bolt of power at Iolaus.

Hercules looked frantically around the clearing. Iolaus was nowhere to be seen.

"Ares! What have you done with him?" He yelled angrily at his divine half-brother.

Ares merely growled in response, turning back to the recalcitrant blonde Amazon.

"Herc? Uh, Herc?"

The golden-haired demigod looked around, trying to nail the direction of Iolaus's voice.

"Hercules?" Came the quiet voice again.

It was coming from somewhere above Hercules.

He looked up.

His friend was sitting on what appeared to be the very shaky limb of a tree, a long, long way above the clearing.

Furious, Hercules spun to Ares. "Ares! Let him down! NOW!" He yelled.

The God of War looked absently up from where he held a wildly struggling Kendaa on the ground, trying to recloth her with her panties.

"Whatever you say, brother!" Grinning evilly, he gestured, then returned his attention to his favourite.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Iolaus came flying straight down to land in Hercules's arms.

The demigod placed his partner carefully back on his feet, and both turned their attention back to the other activities in the glade.

The God of War had hauled the defiant Kendaa back to her feet, apparently having succeeded in replacing her panties.

Iolaus looked around.

"Where's Klio?"

The daughter of Ares had taken advantage of the melee in the glade to make off once again.

Ares growled, preparing to send himself yet again after her.

"No! Wait!"

The God of War turned to regard with angry impatience.

"Let me go after her this time. We're friends. Maybe I can talk some sense into her," he suggested to the angry god.

The dark Lord of War glared at him. "What she sees in you I'll never know," he snarled. Then he relented slightly. "Alright, for all the good it will do," he told Iolaus, his face cold.

The hunter sprinted out of the clearing in search of his friend.

She was fast, he had to give her that, he admitted to himself some time later, stopping to catch his breath. He was leaning down, his hands on his knees when, without warning, a sword point pressed into his back.

"Surprise!" Giggled Klio, not moving the sword.

Iolaus didn't move.

"Klio! I was looking for you!" He told her with a slight laugh. "Your father and Hercules and I were worried about you."

The daughter of Ares giggled again. "Oh dad and Herc - they can wait. It's YOU I want!" She revealed in manic glee.

Before the hunter could react, the sword was removed and two hands were wrapped tightly around him.

It felt like he was being hugged by a minotaur.

"Klio. Ah, Klio. Now...," he began nervously.

Moist lips descended hotly on his neck. He cleared his throat.

"You know, we really oughta be getting back. We have to get you and Kendaa to Apollo's temple," And fast, he thought franticallly to himself.

But the Amazon wrapped around him like a boa constrictor had other ideas.

"Oh, we don't need Apollo, Iolaus. We have all we need right here. You...me...the ground," she laughed suggestively, one hand wandering determinedly down towards his pants.

That did it. He jumped, spun around and had Klio in his own arms before she had time to react.

She was thrilled. She leaned back in his arms and squealed in delight. "Ohhhhhh! Iolaus!!! You're so STRONG!" She snuggled happily back against his hard chest.

Iolaus rolled his eyes, swallowing rapidly. He was beginning to understand exactly why Ares was so frazzled. For the first time in the time he'd known Ares, he was also, against all odds, beginning to sympathise with the God of War.

That bothered him. He shook his head. Only to find himself nose to nose with the ecstatic Klio.

"How I've LONGED to be this close to you, Iolaus," she breathed happily, her tongue licking her lips in anticipation. Then he jumped as if struck by lightning, because her head had darted forward and her tongue was licking HIS lips.

With grim determination he prised her off him and held her at arms length.

He was sweating profusely.

"Ok, now listen Klio. We're going back to your dad, Herc and Kendaa. Do you think you can behave for me? Please" He pleaded desperately.

The addled Amazon gave an exaggerated sigh. "Oh, you're as bad as my dad, Iolaus. You're a prudish fuddy duddy, just like him!"

"Yeah, right," he agreed, turning them around and marching back in the direction from which they had both so recently come.

Back in the clearing, Hercules and Ares were having a similarly difficult time of it.

Kendaa had been sitting on the ground, idly scratching her behind after Ares had forced her back into her panties (but not before delivering a swift punitive whack on said derrier as she struggled) when she suddenly shrieked out, causing the already on-edge Ares and Hercules to both jump, and then immediately pretend they hadn't.

"OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!" She squealed, her gold-flecked green eyes open wide in shocked realisation.

"WHAT??????" Hercules and Ares yelled in unison.

She pointed.

"OH MY GODS! You...you have the most BEAUTIFUL EARS!!!!!!" She shrieked up at Ares, her face rapturous.

Hercules tried not to smile, while Ares closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.

He opened them again fast, when he realised the half-dryad had left her seat on the ground and had attached herself to his back. Her questing tongue dived for his ear before he even suspected what she was doing.

Hercules laughed outright at the look on the face of the God of War as his favourite, with arms clamped around his neck, alternately nibbled, licked and kissed the god's ear.

He was trying to extricate himself from her arms, but she wasn't about to let go any time soon, and her moist, busy tongue just kept lovingly circling more and more of the ear she found so attractive.

She was good, Ares had to admit to himself. He found himself hardening against his will as the half-dryad continued her ministrations to his ear. Even so, he fervently wished for the old Kendaa, instead of the new, Apollo-revised nymphomanic version.

As a blushing Hercules watched, Ares decided to try soothing her, seeing belligerance and ire hadn't achieved a single thing since the whole nightmare had started.

"Kendaa, my sweet, stop that for just a minute, alright?" He used his most alluring, seductive voice. He figured it had always worked in the past.

"Mmmmmm?" His favourite murmured, still busily attentive to his ear. But after a moment she stopped, laying her blonde head against the raven locks of the God of War. "Whatcha want? I want to keep playing with your ears. I know you love it when I do this." She demonstrated exactly what "this" was. "And this." Another demonstration followed.

Hercules blushed and turned to walk to the farthest end of the clearing.

"Yes, my sweet, I do like that, but now is not the time or place," Ares told her gently. "Now I want you to listen to me. If you're a good girl, and promise to behave yourself until we get you both to Apollo's temple, I promise to let you do this for as long as you like next time you're at my temple. How would you like that?"

The blonde Amazon smiled sweetly. "Okaaaaay, seeing you asked nicely, and didn't yell at me," she told him obediently, reluctantly removing his vice-like grip on his neck.

"But they're still beautiful ears," she added, giving him a fatuous grin.

The God of War really should have known better.

At that precise moment, Iolaus staggered into the clearing with a deliriously happy Klio attached to him in a position similar to the one in which Kendaa had attached herself to Ares not so long before.

Klio's father raised one eyebrow, distinctly unamused.

"Let go of my daughter. NOW!"

"Whatd'ya MEAN, let go of HER? SHE won't let go of ME." Iolaus squeaked out in a strangled tone.

Hercules sighed, threw up his arms, and made for the struggling Iolaus.

The God of War was watching his half-brother's attempts to detach Klio from the smaller mortal with an impatient frown.

Kendaa, too, had been watching.

Too late, Ares realised she had sidled away from him to stand close to Hercules, wide-eyed admiration on her face.

"Oh Herkie! You're so STRONG!" She gushed, running a hand up his back.

Ares' frown rapidly became a disbelieving and outraged scowl.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" He yelled at his favourite.

The half-dryad's hand had moved somewhat lower on the demigod now. Hercules fully engaged in helping Iolaus free himself from Klio, squirmed, but was helpless to do anything but blush.

The dryad Amazon turned to the god, grinning wickedly. "Well, YOU won't let me play with your ears, but I'll bet Herkie will let me play with his..." The last word of her sentence was drowned out by a startled yelp from Hercules as Kendaa's questing hands found and grabbed her target.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Ares bellowed at her, his rage causing the earth to tremble threateningly.

"No!" Yelled the dryad defiantly. "I want Herkie!!!"

Klio suddenly let go of Iolaus to stare indignantly at her Amazon sister.

"Hey! You are so greedy!" She shrieked. "You'd think that dad would be more than enough for you, but nooooooo! YOU have to want Hercules too! Well, SO DO I!" She yelled, completely forgetting the shell-shocked Iolaus in her indignation.

Hercules froze, like a rabbit suddenly caught in the glare of flaming torchlight in the middle of the night.

"Now ladies...," he began, cautiously and slowly backing away from the two advancing women.

"Oh Herkie! You are sooo tall! And handsome! And your hair...!" Began Kendaa, almost visibly drooling, much to Ares' fury, although it would be fair to say that the God of War was also standing in slack-jawed shock and not a little jealousy at the wanton behaviour of his faourite.

But Kendaa wasn't finished. Moving closer and ogling Hercules with what she thought was doe-eyed admiration, but was in reality the wide-eyed stare of madness, she ran her finger down his arm.

"Herkie, will you flllllex for us? Pleeeeese?" She asked pleadingly.

The legendary hero, the golden hunter and the almighty God of War could only stare in unison.

The frozen tableau didn't last for long. With wild shrieks, both Amazons launched themselves at the demigod, who reacted fast, but not quite fast enough. He was trying desperately to fend them off, both hands fully occupied with what seemed to be two manic squid.

Klio's voice suddenly emerged from the writhing threesome. "Oh Herk, don't put your hand there! HERE is so much better!" She cried in glee, moving the demigod's hand to demonstrate.

Ares roared.

Iolaus, still recovering from his close encounter of the Klio kind, shook his head, thinking it a miracle his friend didn't have a heart attack there and then.

"Iolaus! Ares!" The cry of the demigod son of Zeus was a desperate cry for help.

The golden hunter sprinted towards the group.

"Iolaus!!!!" Shrieked a highly-gratified Klio, one arm immediately snaking out to grope him. His eyes promptly bulged out of his head in shock.

Ares was ready to tear someone apart. His fingers flexed for a few minutes, until finally he couldn't contain himself any longer. His right arm went back, and with a snarl he unleashed his power. Seconds later, he threw another bolt that hit the merrily moving foursome and sent them all flying into the mud pool he had just created for that specific purpose.

There was a loud splash, closely followed by shocked silence.

The God of War stalked forward to stand at the edge of the pool glaring down at them all.

"Maybe THAT will help you cool off!" He hissed furiously at the two Amazons, who stared up at him out of faces covered in mud.

There was a pregnant pause as the silence continued.

Then, with loud shrieks, the two madwomen turned to the two heroes and redoubled their efforts to devour them, completely ignoring the enraged god standing over them.

Ares was actually audibly growling when there was a flash of light next to him and he spun to see an equally annoyed Hades glaring at him.

"Just what in My Name do you think you're doing!" Yelled the God of the Underworld.

Ares was stunned. "Excuse me? What are you talking about? I'm kind of busy right now!" He yelled back at his uncle, closing his eyes at the squealing coming from the mud pool.

Hades appeared entirely oblivious to the muddy melee in progress. "Oh I'm well aware of how busy you are! What do you mean by sending dozens of soldiers to me without warning? Do you have ANY idea what your ill-conceived war is doing to my inventory, Ares?"

Hades' nephew totally lost what was left of his temper. "I didn't do it! THEY did it!!!" He roared, pointing to the two crazed Amazons still slithering all over Hercules and Iolaus like soap on a wet body.

Hades took a deep breath. "Would you care to explain that?"

The God of War raised his head and bellowed in frustration before answering his uncle. "I'm telling you, I had nothing to DO with your insignificant problems! Apollo took Klio and Kendaa's sanity - after he stole Dionysus's Crystal - because they had the effrontery to turn down his advances, and then he sent them on a spree to see how many of MY warriors they could kill!!"

The Lord of the Underworld gaped. He visibly calmed down. "Oh. I see. Bad showing by Apollo. If I know Dionysus, he's going to be in trouble."

"You can forget Dionysus! I'm going to make Apollo's eternity pure misery for all he's put me through these last several days," Ares seethed.

Hades raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, nephew. But don't think you'll be the only one rebuking him. I plan on having a word or two with him myself. Persephone is beside herself with all the new incoming. And it's her last week with me before she returns to Demeter. She is NOT a happy camper. And neither am I!"

Ares glared at his uncle. "Excuse me? YOU aren't a happy camper? Well YOU haven't had to deal with these two," he indicated the squirming mass beside him. "YOU haven't been driven almost completely out of your godly mind by a pair of totally insane Amazons. If they didn't happen to be my daughter and my favourite, I would have turned them to vapour DAYS ago!" He informed Hades furiously.

Hades appeared to notice the ongoing melee in the mud pool for the first time.

"I see...," the God of the Underworld replied in a contemplative tone, his dark eyes gazing down in distaste at the highly-active pool, from which ecstatic squeals and groans that were a confusing mix of indignation and resignation were regularly emerging.

"Well, good luck in...whatever it is you're hoping to achieve here. I really have to get back and deal with all the new arrivals, and somehow juggle the inventory," he sighed in gloomy resignation, disappearing before Ares could enlist his aid in getting the Amazons to Apollo's temple.

The God of War sighed. The mud pool had obviously been a bad move. Rolling his eyes, he made it disappear, leaving the foursome writhing on suddenly dry ground, and completely covered in mud.

He wearily considered leaving them at it. But then quickly revised that idea when he realised that the longer they delayed, the longer Kendaa and Klio would remain insane. And therefore the longer he would have to put up with them.

"ALRIGHT!" He roared in the voice which terrorised those of his minions unfortunate enough to hear it.

Four pair of eyes peered up at him out of faces completely coated in mud.

"LISTEN UP!"

To his surprise, they all did exactly that, even Hercules. He resisted the impulse to do a most ungodly double-take.

"We," he informed them all in a clipped, precise tone, "are all going to take a walk down to the river. It won't take long, but if I so much as see ONE STRAY HAND in action on the way, the owner will find herself IN MY DEEPEST DUNGEON!" He finished on a bellow.

"IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"

"Ok dad," came Klio's reluctant agreement, as she climbed to her feet, obviously crestfallen.

"Alright," was Kendaa's grudging and clearly unhappy response. "But..."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Ares roared at her, leaning in close to the mud-coated face. "And you and I are going to have a VERY long talk once you get your sanity back, dryad," he growled at her, turning his furious glare to his brother, who could only shrug helplessly.

"Now MOVE IT!" To say that Ares' command was close to an hysterical shriek would perhaps be an overstatement, but it was close.

Not long afterward the demigod and the golden hunter sighed in mutual relief at the sight of the river.

"You two - over there," Ares commanded, pointing to a spot to his right. Iolaus and Hercules made for the water with haste. The mud had almost dried.

At any other time, the God of War would have been laughing in malicious enjoyment, but at that moment, the very concept of a sense of humour had fled from him in fear.

"And keep your eyes to yourself!" He yelled, meaning off the two Amazons.

Kendaa and Klio were standing slack-jawed as Hercules and Iolaus disrobed. Until Ares caught them.

"You two! Out of your clothes and into the water!" He told them in a tone that wouldn't take no for an answer.

Sighing, they complied, tossing their clothes everywhere in total abandon, before splashing into the water.

Klio's father closed his eyes and turned his attention to Hercules and Iolaus, who were now washing the mud from their clothes.

"When you two have quite finished...," he growled sardonically, arms folded across his chest.

Hercules' crystalling blue eyes flew to his brother. "Now look Ares, this wasn't our fault. You were the one who created the stupid mud bath."

Ares laughed sarcastically. "You didn't leave me any choice. Why dad thinks so much of you, I'll never know. You can't even handle two Amazons!"

Iolaus's hands went to his hips. "Yeah, like YOU were so good at it. You asked for OUR help!" He pointed out in frustration.

"Don't you start with me, shorty," Ares told him furiously.

"Or what?" Came the unimpressed retort.

The God of War started forward, intent on teaching Iolaus a definitive lesson in respect for the gods.

"Great. Just great."

A golden head and a dark head turned in unison at Hercules' frustrated comment.

"What?"

"What?"

The demigod son of Zeus didn't say a word, but pointed to a spot behind Ares.

They were gone. Again. And they had somehow managed to grab their weapons in the process. The only thing they hadn't taken was their clothes.

The next few hours were ones that would remain in the minds of Ares, Hercules and Iolaus for a long time to come.

The two mad Amazons were sprinting happily through the woods, swords in hand, and totally naked. They didn't take much trouble to conceal their whereabouts.

The god and two mortals took off at a dead run once Hercules and Iolaus had managed to scramble into their still soggy clothes. Ten very long minutes later, Hercules came to a sudden halt.

"What...?" Ares threw at him impatiently.

"Sssshhh...can't you hear?" Whispered his half-brother.

Sure enough, a very strange sound floated faintly to them on the breeze.

"Weeeee're happy little Amazons as bright as bright can be!

We all enjoy our Hercules for breakfast, lunch and tea!

Our sisters say we're growing stronger every single day,

Because we LOVE our Hercules, we ADORE Iolaus and Ares too,

They put a roooooose in ev'ry cheeeek!"

Iolaus stared into the distance aghast. "Where in Tartarous did they pick THAT one up?"

Ares was about to answer, when the two Amazons started singing the exact same verse, interspersed with a lot of what sounded like hysterical giggling.

Hercules shook his head and took off in the direction of the woeful attempts at singing.

The Amazons led them on a merry chase, eluding them for quite some time and not once letting up on the repetitious but joyful and enthusiastic rendition of the dreadful song.

Ares eventually threw up his hands and with a sense of overwhelming resignation, transported himself directly to his daughter and favourite. If he had been strictly honest with himself, he would have admitted he had waited as long as he had because the thought of spending more time in the company of the two insane women set his perfect teeth on edge.

His sudden appearance in front of them caused them to both squeak in fright. That, at least, stopped the hideous singing.

"I HATE it when you do that!" Kendaa whined sourly.

"Yeah, what she said!" The daughter of Ares agreed indignantly.

"Your swords," the red-faced God of War demanded in a voice that was far too calm, extending his hand to them.

"You know, you keep this up, and I don't think I'll want to hang around you any more," complained the half-dryad.

Ares still remained calm in the face of dire provocation. "Oh goody," he whispered, a sarcastic smile on his handsome face.

Klio was hugging her sword to her. "You know, I don't want to give this to you, daddy. You're a total spoilsport. Can't have Iolaus; can't have Hercules; can't kill your warriors; Kendaa can't have you... Like, WHAT is your PROBLEM?"

The stiff, dangerous smile remained in place. "I have reached my limit," he told his daughter quietly, gesturing at both of them.

They were anchored to the ground.

When Hercules and Iolaus finally arrived, a good hour later, they were still anchored to the ground. And they were silent. Ares had found a way to stop the dreadful caterwauling they insisted on engaging in. He had gagged them both.

Hercules took one look at the two naked women and hastily turned away. Iolaus stared, open-mouthed, until a sharp jab from Hercules made him turn away too.

"Don't you think you're going a bit too far, Ares? Hercules asked angrily.

"Why brother, I thought I was doing us all a big favour," Ares responded pleasantly - until Hercules caught the dangerous glint in his eyes. "Unless, of course, you wish to suffer their...singing all the way to Apollo's temple?"

"That WASN'T what I meant!" Hercules snapped, surprising both Ares and Iolaus. "You could have at least given them some clothes."

The God of War smiled. It wasn't a pleasant smile. "Fine, have it your way," he hissed.

Both women were instantly wearing their own - now clean - Amazon garb, and were sans gags.

The awful singing was instantly resumed.

Iolaus stared thoughtfully at his two Amazon friends.

"You know Herc, maybe gagging them wasn't such a bad idea," he mused pensively.

Two days and three further escape attempts later, the three haggard males were nearing the temple of Apollo with their charges. Klio and Kendaa had finally stopped singing, and there had been no further escapes since the previous night because Ares had made a desperate plea to Hephaestus. The God of the Forge had provided two pairs of manacles that were completely escape-proof.

The two Amazons now marched sullenly along behind the three men, Ares pulling Kendaa along behind him, and Iolaus taking his turn towing Klio.

The god and the two mortal men hadn't exchanged a word for hours. Hercules strode along, his tired eyes unfocussed as he took one weary step after another.

Behind him came Iolaus, occasionally skipping a little to avoid Klio's groping hands as they sought intimate contact with his leather pants and their contents. He was unshaven and his hair stood practically on end from the constant attempts by the addled Amazon to caress his golden locks.

Bringing up the rear came the God of War, doggedly pulling Kendaa along behind him. His jaw was clenched and his face set in a dark scowl. He was now ignoring every attempt by the chained Amazon to run one of her hands up the inside of his legs. The rage within him was now at a slow burn, and several minor wars had spontaneously sprung up all over Greece entirely due to his foul temper. He was, at that very moment, seriously contemplating instigating a war aimed at the Amazons. The very idea of punitive action against the Nation laying claim to the two madwomen was almost like a soothing balm to his frazzled godly soul. He hd also begun planning his payback to Apollo. That in itself was enough to bring an evil grin to the darkly handsome face.

"Temple's in sight." Hercules' hoarse voice floated back to the end of the line, and Ares raised his head, now seeing the delicate lines of Apollo's temple for himself. He sneered at its outline in contemptuous dismissal. Light and frothy, just like the god it's dedicated to, he thought nastily to himself.

They trudged up the well-worn path to the imposing white marble portals that gave entrance to the huge temple of the God of Light.

A few of Apollo's priests were lounging idly near the entrance, and peered without any real interest at the small group rapidly drawing near. As the travellers entered the temple and moved by them, they collectively did a double-take when they saw just who the black-clad form belonged to.

"L, Lord Ares!" Stammered one of them. "This is a surprise! Allow me to summon my Lord Apollo!"

Ares tugged sharply on the chain in his hand, almost hauling the demented Kendaa off her feet and forcibly inside the temple, before turning to the white-robed priest. "Oh don't bother on my account, please," he smiled graciously, before striding to the centre of the great atrium.

"APOLLO!!!!" He roared at the top of his voice, sending priests and attendants fearfully scurrying for cover.

"Why don't you make it a little louder, dad? I don't think they heard you at the other end of the Cosmos," suggested Klio sarcastically, shaking her ringing ears.

Kendaa had been taking in her surroundings. "Why isn't your place like this? Light and airy?" She complained to the God of War.

He ignored her.

Apollo took his time in answering the summons of the God of War, but he finally appeared in a shower of brilliant golden sparks, hovering on his skateboard several feet above the heads of the new arrivals.

"Well, you took your time in getting here," he observed snidely.

Hercules shook his head, while Iolaus appeared dumbfounded.

The dark Lord of War was not similarly struck silent.

"Get down here and act like a god, you irresponsible delinquent," he snarled coldly at the other god.

"Apollo..." Began Hercules, only to be interrupted by Ares.

"Just get on with it," he hissed at the God of Light.

Kendaa chose that moment to sidle up behind Ares and start kissing the back of his neck. He jumped, turned and grabbed her, pulling her to stand beside him. "No more. You won't be doing that again,"he told her severly.

Her lower lip quivered. "Not ever?" She showed every sign of being about to launch into a full-scale bawling binge.

"Don't. Start." He warned her coldly. She subsided tearfully.

Apollo had been watching the exchange with great interest. "You know, you got them here just in time," he observed brightly, just as Klio launched herself at Iolaus yet agan, running her manacled hands up and down his bare arm.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Hercules asked, watching Iolaus's preoccupation with his addled friend.

The God of Light shrugged. "Oh nothing, really. Except, in another two turns of the hour glass they would have become permanently insane," he informed them cheerfully.

"Thank you very much," Ares retorted. "Now just do what you have to do, and return their sanity, and THEN we'll talk about restitution."

Restitution? Apollo didn't like the sound of that, or the way in which Ares said it. Frowning, he retreated to a small room leading off the great atrium, returning with an opaque globe that pulsed with a crystalline blue glow.

He carefully held the globe up in front of him, but before he did what he knew he had to do, he fired off one last shot.

"Oh by the way. Those tendencies they've displayed during their insanity? They're the product of their unconscious minds," he told Ares and the two heroes with a wicked grin.

Both Hercules and Iolaus stared, open-mouthed, remembering exactly what tendencies their two Amazon friends had displayed. Iolaus swallowed visibly, while Hercules blushed to the roots of his hair. They both avoided looking at the two insane women.

Ares however, had no such trouble. His face was dark red with the depth of his rage. Oh yes, he planned on having a very long talk with the dryad Amazon. The very idea that she might actually harbour feelings of THAT kind for his disgusting half-brother sent his fury spiralling out of control. And while he couldn't do much about it, the thought that his daughter should actually feel something close to lust for the annoying little sidekick was just the icing on the cake of his already-hideous week.

"Just DO. IT." He growled at the other god.

Apollo smiled insincerely and held the crystal out before him. Ares and Iolaus pushed the two Amazons to stand in front of him, facing Apollo.

Klio and Kendaa had finally noticed Apollo and were looking at him with something resembling confused bemusement.

"Will ya look at what the cat dragged in? Like, where did you get that outfit? Vincentius de Paulus?" Kendaa snickered, one hand on her hip.

Klio laughed outright. "Hey, it's APOLLO!!" She chortled in mock-ecstasy. "...Where'd you get the bleach for your hair? You know, I've always found your high priest more attractive than you - and he's 90!" She ended with a loud guffaw at her own joke.

Kendaa was laughing outright too. "You, you know..." She got out between bouts of mirth, "He'd win a Panolympian Bad Taste Contest!"

That sent Klio off into another round of laughter. "My dad looks WAY better than you, Blondie! And he, at least, has the good taste to not travel around in one of those demeaning thingamagigs. All you need is a purple carpet to go with that thing. It's soooo tacky!" She shrieked, going off into another peal of laughter.

Kendaa was actually slapping her knees in merriment. "He, he could...OH!" She gasped as she was overcome by laughter. "He LOOKS like he's trying to imitate Travoltus in those flashy clothes!" Then she noticed something else and pointed. "Oh LOOK!!!!" It's WILTING!!!!!" She informed the rest of the group, leaning back against Ares and screaming with laughter now.

The God of War laughed for the first time in days, enjoying the other god's discomfort.

Apollo no longer thought the situation was quite so funny. He was now redder than Ares had been during the worst of his rage. "Do you mind?" He exhorted, trying unsuccessfully to maintain some semblance of dignity.

Ares gave a short bark of loud laughter. "Oh no, I don't mind at all! I'm actually enjoying this bit!" He told Apollo with malicious pleasure.

Hercules and Iolaus were doing their best not to join in the laughter of the two crazed women. "You can't say you don't deserve it, Apollo. It's about time you got a taste of what we've all had to contend with for the last several days."

Apollo gritted his teeth and got a firmer hold on the crystal in his hand. The crystal began to make a faint humming sound.

"What's happening, dad?" Klio called nervously over her shoulder, her hilarity suddenly dying.

But before Ares had a chance to reply, two bright beams shot out of the crystal and centered themselves on the foreheads of the two women.

After several seconds the light ceased and Klio and Kendaa would have slumped to the floor in unison if Ares and Iolaus hadn't grabbed them before they hit the ground.

"Well, that's that. Later," called Apollo, preparing to think himself elsewhere.

Ares' hand shot out, even while he was crouching down to assist the half-dryad. A beam of power hit the God of Light and he suddenly found he was unable to send himself anywhere.

"Oh no, you're not going anywhere," Ares informed him coldly.

"Oh gods!" Groaned Kendaa, holding her head in her hands. "What happened..." But then it started coming back to her, even as Ares was hauling her to her unsteady feet. She paled.

Iolaus had already helped Klio stand upright, and she was staring down at the manacles encircling her wrists. "What...?"

Ares gestured, and the manacles disappeared.

"Welcome back," Hercules told them both, smiling.

Both Amazons were still dazed, but as the two gods and two mortals watched, awareness began to fill them. Kendaa closed her eyes for a moment, remembering all she'd done while her sanity had been elsewhere. Abruptly, she shrugged free of Ares and stood upright, turning towards Apollo. Her face darkened until it looked every bit as murderous as Ares' had at various times over the previous several days.

Apollo swallowed. He didn't like that look at all.

Klio had also hastily removed herself from close proximity to Iolaus. She too swallowed as she recalled her own addled behaviour. She blushed deep crimson, and couldn't have looked at Iolaus or Hercules at that moment to save her life.

"Why you juvenile, anally-retentive, arrogant, unattractive, wanna-be, repulsive, sleazy, pusillanimous excuse for a god...," Kendaa snarled in fury, and would have advanced on the God of Light if Ares' hand hadn't detained her.

Hercules and Iolaus gaped at the tall blonde Amazon. They'd never seen the half-dryad so enraged, except in battle. Her gold-flecked green eyes flashed in fury as she eyed Apollo.

Klio was every bit as furious as her sister, her own eyes flashing a warning at Apollo, who actually backed up a step.

"You are going to suffer," she promised Apollo coldly. "I demand retribution, father," she ground out in a deadly quiet voice, turning to Ares.

The God of War was smiling now. It was a smile of intense satisfaction and pleasure. "And you shall have it, daughter," he promised her.

The two mortal men turned to Ares with interest. They, too, wanted to know how the God of Light would be punished for all he'd put them all through.

Releasing Kendaa, Ares moved to stand in the centre of the group, his dark eyes on his fellow god.

"You know, Zeus wasn't at all happy to have Artemis, Hades, Dionysus and me pounding on his door demanding justice for your stupid prank. Oh no...he wasn't at ALL happy. And in the end, seeing I was the one most affected by your stupidity, he gave me full right of retribution," he informed Apollo with obvious relish.

Apollo's eyes widened. He didn't like the sound of of that one bit.

Ares grinned. "And I have the best punishment in store for you, you annoying little twerp," he told the blonde god.

Instantly the two Amazons raised their voices in dissent.

"Excuse me, but WE were the most affected, Ares, not you!" Kendaa yelled in anger.

"You - victim? How dare you! It should be our right to say how he is punished!" Klio snarled furiously at her father, her face dark with the force of her rage.

The God of War held up a silencing hand. "If you would both let me finish...?" He suggested, raising an aristocratic eyebrow.

The demigod and golden hunter were silent, waiting to hear what Ares had in mind.

Both women made a gesture indicating their willingness to hear Ares out.

"Thank you," Ares told them mockingly. "I've decided that for two full turns of the hour glass, Apollo shall be mortal," he informed the group, his eyes locked with those of Apollo, totally enjoying the look of revulsion that crossed the fair-haired god's features.

"And for the duration of that time," he continued, "he will be in the...care...of Kendaa and Klio, and they have my full blessing to punish him as they see fit."

He turned to his daughter and his favourite. "Does THAT satisfy you both?" He enquired of them. He could almost have felt sorry for Apollo. Almost.

Klio pushed tangled hair out of her eyes. "Maybe, we'll let you know."

Her father glared at her.

Apollo didn't need Ares to feel sorry for him, he was suddenly feeling very sorry for himself. "There's no way Zeus would have given you permission to make me mortal!" He told Ares warily.

The God of War smiled, showing perfect teeth glistening with shark-like perfection. "You don't think so?" He asked, even as his hand was going back. The smile changed abruptly to a snarl as he let loose a bolt of power aimed at Apollo, who was too shocked to move. Hercules and Iolaus moved hastily out of the way.

When the blinding light cleared, Ares was slowly lowering his hand, giving all appearances of being extremely happy with himself. Apollo stood shivering, stunned. The quality of light that was normally a part of his personal presence was gone; snuffed out like an extinguished candle.

Ares looked enquiringly at the two Amazons, who were standing frowning at their quarry.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" he asked impatiently.

Klio looked Apollo up and down with a judicious eye. "It's not enough," she retorted flatly.

Her father inclined his head thoughtfully, turning to his lover. "And you? I'm sure you have something to add," he told the tall blonde mockingly.

Kendaa folded her arms, totally unmoved by his sarcasm. "I'm with Klio. It's not enough, after all he's put us through," she told him, her voice equally as flat and determined.

He had to agree with them, only he was thinking of all he had been put through, more than what his daughter and favourite had suffered.

He thought for a moment, finally smiling. It was a smile of sheer, unadulterated wickedness.

His arm went back again, and he unleashed another bolt at Apollo.

When the light faded, Hercules' jaw dropped open, Iolaus laughed outright, Kendaa nodded, slowly unsheathing her sword, while Klio turned to her father wearing a grin of satisfaction.

Apollo had been transformed. Instead of the beautiful vision he normally made, he stood before them, blonde hair standing out from his head in a dirty, untidy, strawlike profusion in which small white objects moved in abundance. There was an unsightly wart right on the tip of his nose, his teeth were a dirty, yellow, unshapely pile that somehow stuck out of his once-proud but now shrivelled mouth, from which drool was falling. Peeling sunburn completed the facial picture.

His priests, standing against the far wall in fear, now raised delicate noses and sniffed. They immediately screwed up their faces and made for the nearest entrances. Ares had endowed his brother god with pungent body odour.

Hercules drew a deep breath, about to protest. Even though Apollo deserved everything he received, he thought perhaps Ares was overdoing it, but one look at the pleased looks on the faces of his two Amazon friends silenced him.

"Oh dad...you've outdone yourself," Klio remarked with pleasure as she drew her own sword.

"Thank you, my dear. Now, off you all go, and have fun. Just remember, you only have two turns of the hour glass, and do try to leave him in one piece?" He exhorted his daughter, not really caring if she and Kendaa DID take the wretched, skateboarding God of Light apart.

Klio was raising her hand. "Just one thing, father."

An aristocratic eyebrow was elevated.

"Could you give me a mirror?" She asked, an evil glint in her eye.

Ares grinned. "I'd be delighted to, but I believe you'll find several mirrors in Apollo's throne room," he told his daughter with malicious glee.

Apollo frowned - making his face even mor unsightly. "Ug...whac ur yo tawgin bowt," he started to say, then stopped in abject horror.

"Now, now, bro, mustn't talk with your mouth full - of teeth, that is," Ares advised him kindly.

Kendaa moved forward. "Move it, smelly," she ordered him, using the flat of her sword to deliver a resounding smack to his behind. The former God of Light jumped, turning shocked eyes on the Amazon. "Hoo DAW oo!" He squeaked, and then immediately shut his mouth in horror.

The half-dryad would have answered, but Ares cut her off. "Oh she dares because she and my daughter have my full permissiion to punish you, you irresponsible little weasel, and when this is over, don't you even think of retaliating, because they carry my protection!" He moved to take the Crystal of Dionysus from the former god's shaking hands, and jerked his head sharply, giving the two Amazons leave to take Apollo away and deal with him.

They lost no time in moving forward.

Shortly afterwards, Hercules and Iolaus were wincing, while Ares was laughing uproariously at the sounds coming from behind the closed door of Apollo's throne room. Sharp whacking sounds were closely followed by yelps, while unidentifiable shouts were followed by shrieks of either pain or indignation, or perhaps both. It was hard to tell, because all the sounds seemed to meld into one loud cacophony of punitive action.

"Uh, Ares...you don't think maybe this was taking it a little too far, do you?" Hercules asked his half-brother, frowning at the closed door. Beside him, Iolaus cringed as one particularly loud yowl of distress sounded forth.

Ares stared at him in disbelief. "Excuse me? Too far? It wasn't far enough, if you ask me!" He told his brother sharply. "That pathetic delinquent has had something like this coming for a long time. I'm just overjoyed that I was the one to pronounce the sentence."

Hercules rolled his eyes, shook his head and strode to the outer door of the temple, intending to remain outside until his two friends were done. Iolaus was standing, hands on his hips, and laughing quietly at the sounds still coming forth, when he noticed Ares glaring at him.

"Well? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Like what?" Iolaus defiantly shot back at the dark god.

"Like frying in Tartarous," hissed Ares nastily.

The golden hunter drew a deep breath and pursed his lips. "Tell you what, why don't I just go outside with Hercules and you can enjoy this all in private?"

"You do that," Ares told him coldly, stepping aside to allow the smaller man passage to pass him. One day, he promised himself, I'm going to send that obnoxious little excuse for a mortal to the far reaches of Tartarous. Zeus, but he annoys me.

Some time later Ares was leaning against the wall of the atrium, arms folded, still listening with relish to the sounds coming from behind the closed throne room door. God-sense told him that Apollo's time as a mortal was almost up. He sighed regretfully. It had been such fun listening to the sounds of his fellow god's misery.

He pondered the situation for a moment, until something occurred to him, and he started grinning. Then he started laughing quietly to himself. Oh yes, THAT would be the most poetic, perfect payback. And they said he didn't have the heart of a poet! Well, Apollo, at least, would get the point. He moved away from the wall as the seconds counted down inside him, and he knew the sand in the godly hourglass had run out. Still, he smiled, even when silence reigned within the Throne Room.

Apollo could suddenly be heard giving forth in his normal voice. Something about backing off and if they didn't stop they'd be sorry. he laughed again, a thought making his idea a reality.

There was an abrupt silence in the Throne Room.

He waited.

Laughter erupted. He knew who was laughing. And it wasn't Apollo.

The door to the imposing room was thrown open, as Apollo tore through it as if his godly life depended on it. He was closely followed by a goat, which was giving every indication of being totally enamoured of the God of Light. It was close enough for its tongue to keep flicking out and trying to lick his once-again elegantly-clad behind.

Apollo glared at Ares, a peculiar pleading in his eyes. "Get this thing away from me! This was your doing, wasn't it? You are soooo gonna regret this!" He didn't stand still, though. He took off in the direction of the doorway, with the goat right behind him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever..." Ares couldn't contain his own laughter now. Kendaa and Klio had stepped just outside the doorway and were almost doubled over laughing at the antics of the love-struck goat.

"Oh father! Tha...that was priceless!" Klio was wiping tears of mirth from her eyes.

Kendaa was grinning broadly. "Only you could have thought that up!" She told the God of War, shaking with laughter.

Klio's father grinned. "Glad I could amuse you," he told them, with a courtly little bow in their direction.

Two heads poked enquiringly around the outer door of the atrium.

"You finished with Apollo now?" Asked Hercules, trying hard not to laugh.

Iolaus, however, was unable to control his laughter. Every time he tried, he went off into another peal. He couldn't seem to help himself.

They could all hear the voice of the God of Light as it receded into the distance, pleading with any other of his fellow gods who happened to be listening to be freed from the attentions of the goat.

"Well," Ares said, his own mirth fading, "Now THAT'S all over, I'll be getting back to my job, if none of you have any objections." His pointed glare told them they'd better not have any objections.

Kendaa's own laughter had faded. She looked across at Klio, and some unspoken conversation passed between them. The half-dryad moved towards the God of War.

"Ares, we...," she stopped, uncharacteristically uncertain. He frowned, but remained silent, waiting. "Klio and I...there's the question of miasma being attached to us because of the killing we did while we were...," she stopped, but Ares understood. He nodded. Their concern at the personal pollution they now carried because of the lives they had taken was very real, and the miasma as such did demand atonement of some sort.

He thought for a moment.

"There's the spring at Delphi," he told them slowly. "If you go there and bathe in it as the Ritual of Cleansing prescribes, then all guilt will be absolved," he finished, his dark eyes moving from one to the other.

Klio nodded in acceptance of his solution.

"And besides," Ares added, "It will really make my day to see that delinquent powerless to do anything but grant you both cleansing because of something he caused in the first place." His grin was openly malicious.

"Sounds good to me," Kendaa said, resheathing her sword behind her back. "So - any of you coming with us to Delphi?" She enquired innocently.

Ares laughed sarcastically. "You have GOT to be joking!" He told the dryad Amazon incredulously. He was about to think himself elsewhere when he remembered something. He looked at Kendaa out of stormy eyes. "You and I are going to have a long talk some time soon about that subconscious of yours. And you," he turned to his daughter, "I had always hoped YOU would have better...taste," he snarled, throwing a glare in the direction of the golden hunter, who appeared impervious to the implied insult.

Before either Amazon could say one word in protest, Ares vanished, leaving a bemused foursome behind him.

"Well," Iolaus said heartily, rubbing his hands together, "That's that!" It was a forced heartiness. The memory of the last several days lay on his mind like the aftermath of a particularly bad nightmare.

Klio blushed to the roots of her hair and couldn't look at him.

"Yeah," Kendaa agreed. "That's that." The normally eloquent Amazon seemed at a rare loss for words. She, too, was having difficulty in looking at her tall demigod friend.

Only Hercules seemed unaffected by all that had passed between them during his friends' insanity.

"Tell you what - Iolaus and I will go with you as far as the crossroads down past Methone," he smiled reassuringly at the two Amazons.

"Good!" Klio agreed with a false laugh, still not looking at Iolaus.

The hunter sighed to himself. This is no good. No good at all.

As they headed out of the temple, he moved to walk in between Klio and Kendaa. "So ladies, what were the words to that awful song you were both singing so happily? You know, the one that started...Weeee're happy little Amazons...?"

Both women looked at him in outright surprise. There was a short, tense silence.

Then Hercules started to laugh softly. The soft laugh grew to be an outright guffaw.

Shortly afterwards, Iolaus, Klio and Kendaa joined him.

And not long thereafter, the sound of now-melodious singing reverberated along the road to Delphi...

"Weeeee're happy little Amazons

As bright as bright can be.

We all enjoy our Hercules for breakfast, lunch and tea.

Our sisters say..."